Category: Thoughts

So I have these big ideas about open marriage, and have worked so hard at convincing my husband this is right for our marriage, but honestly, I suck at making anything happen. I have three men texting with me and I feel totally annoyed with them. Perhaps the timing is off, but I’m not really putting any effort into it. I feel like I’m going through a dry spell. I’m feeling sexually and emotionally numb, well except for my anxiety. I don’t feel attractive and I also do not feel attracted to anyone else. I almost feel asexual lately. This sadens me because I have always had my own inner sexual desires and confidence. This has really only been going on for a few months, but it feels like I have lost a pretty big part of myself.

I am in my mid forties and am very much aware that my hormones and body chemistry are changing. I wish I could embrace this, however, it feels awful. I’ve always been full of sexual energy and excitement. I’ve always felt noticed and desired. Now I’m fearful of becoming invisible. Sadly, women are noticed for their beauty and youthfulness, not what we have accomplished or our kind hearts, or the beautiful children we have have raised. It’s the truth, we disappear as we age and there is nothing we can do about it.

This morning I woke up in a foul mood. First off, I didn’t sleep well and am fighting a cold, and secondly, I’m transitioning over to PMS. God, I hate this week. I’m eating shittier,therefore feeling chubby, sleeping less, having obsessive negative thoughts, and don’t feel as strong exercising. I get so caught up in these feeling  and this mood that it is hard to remember that I will feel better in about a week our so. It’s unfortunate that I’m in my “bad” half of the month as I am just starting this blog. You probably think I am negative and complain all of the time. However, durning my “good” time of the month, I’m usually pretty cheery and enjoy my life. Basically, I need to remind myself that I am in good health and am lucky to have my own two feet to stand on.

Ever since my forties, things are changing. My physiology is not what it used to be. My periods are sporadic, my sex drive is all over the place,I’m not sleeping well, my mind doesn’t feel as sharp, I’m hot all of the time, and suddenly my stomach is ultra sensitive. I used to have a stomach of steel! I believe this is all due to peri menopause. What the heck, no one told me about this pre menopause crap! Well anyway, I was recommended a very inspiring and informative book on how women athletes can move along a bit more smoothly in this stage of life.