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My personal journey with Adrenal Fatigue Exhaustion

Things are changing, I don’t know who I am anymore. I can’t breath, I can’t eat, I can’t exercise, I can’t think, and mostly, I can’t sleep. My wings beneath me have been snipped away as an endurance athlete. I am terrified and living in a state of panic and depression. What is causing all of this? I visited my local naturopath and she ordered a hormone panel for me. There results came back showing that I have very low cortisol and DHEA, which are the hormones that regulate stress and keep the adrenal glands functioning, therefore, my circadian rhythm is off and that effects everything. I’m also starting to drop in estrogen which tells me I’m starting peri menopause.

I’d say I started noticing a decline in my sleep, energy, and response to stress this past spring. I was feeling sluggish on my bike and I was responding to my kids and husband as if everything were a crisis. I was having trouble falling asleep and staying asleep, even with prescription meds. I was starting to feel out of control. Well, now I am rock bottom.

When I was first diagnosed, the hardest part for me to face was cutting way back on my exercise. Mountain biking is my favorite sport and it was the end of June, just the beginning of the high alpine rides melting out. My first reaction, was to ask my Dr for a supplement to give me more energy. She gave me some high potency adrenal support with a bit of natural cortisol. This back fired on me as it shook my nervous system into a constant state of panic. My stress was escalating and I was questioning if I was terminally ill an/or developing a severe mental illness. I went back to her and she put me on something completely opposite, theanine, a natural Xanax. This has really worked in settling down my nervous system and I have actually gained a bit more energy because I’m not exuding all my energy on panicking. However, I’m still not sleeping. I’ve had about 4 or 5 decent nights in the last six weeks. and yes, I’m still worried and it’s hard to see a light at the end of the tunnel.

If you’ve read my other posts, you’d see that it’s no surprise that I’ve created this mess upon myself. My struggles with anxiety, sleep, marriage, and obsession with exercise were the perfect cocktail to put me into this state. Now the trick is how do I reverse this? I know I need to make some major lifestyle changes(mostly with the way I think and react), but easier said then done. I’ve been prescribed to practice yoga, some meditation, and find better ways to deal with my stressors. So far, my first step is acknowledging the fact that I need to let things go and accept the things I cannot change. My Dr asked me if I was religious or had a God. My answer was that nature is my God. I’m allowed to go on walks when I feel up to it. Slowing things down, taking deep breaths, being patient, and enjoying the views are all what I am trying to do. So this is where I am in my journey with adrenal fatigue. Please follow me as I will continue to update my struggles and hopefully, triumphs….

Losing a part of myself

So I have these big ideas about open marriage, and have worked so hard at convincing my husband this is right for our marriage, but honestly, I suck at making anything happen. I have three men texting with me and I feel totally annoyed with them. Perhaps the timing is off, but I’m not really putting any effort into it. I feel like I’m going through a dry spell. I’m feeling sexually and emotionally numb, well except for my anxiety. I don’t feel attractive and I also do not feel attracted to anyone else. I almost feel asexual lately. This sadens me because I have always had my own inner sexual desires and confidence. This has really only been going on for a few months, but it feels like I have lost a pretty big part of myself.

I am in my mid forties and am very much aware that my hormones and body chemistry are changing. I wish I could embrace this, however, it feels awful. I’ve always been full of sexual energy and excitement. I’ve always felt noticed and desired. Now I’m fearful of becoming invisible. Sadly, women are noticed for their beauty and youthfulness, not what we have accomplished or our kind hearts, or the beautiful children we have have raised. It’s the truth, we disappear as we age and there is nothing we can do about it.

Husband out of town again

The anxiety I have towards my kids health and well being when my husband leaves town is real. Last weekend when he was out of town my eleven year old daughter became very ill and some of her symptoms caused her to panic. That was a rough weekend for both my daughter and myself. I felt so helpless and very fearful as I too struggle with fear of illnesses and panic. We both made it through it, but to be honest, instead of feeling empowered by the emotional coping I had to do, I feel more afraid.

My daughter has never panicked from being sick. The symptoms caused from her high fever were very scary to her, and to me. Two ibuprofen were barely doing the trick. She’s very sensitive towards her physical symptoms, so I can’t really let her ride it out, although, that’s what she ended up having to do. However, I don’t want her to have to go through that again. It was awful for both of us. I’m pretty sure I felt her emotional and physical pain in every cell of my body. I also felt that I really needed my husband in that situation. He remains much calmer then me and he actually keeps me calmer as well. So now he’s gone again, and here I am fearing another sick situation…

And then there’s my teen son. He’s a big risk taker on skis. He enjoys hitting huge jumps and inverting himself in the air. Although I do have to say, he’s has a good head on his shoulders and he doesn’t do things before he is ready. He’s been practicing for years and is very calculated, but still… anything could happen and god forbid it did, I would want my husband to be here in an emergency.

I know I’m too dependent on my husband when it comes to my kids health and well being, but I can’t imagine going through a real crisis with the kids in his absence. I worry about this for days before he leaves and when he is gone. I know I can’t expect him to never leave, however it challenges me in every way. I know life teaches us lessons and we really don’t have control over anything, but I fear lessons and no control. Just typing this makes me afraid that life is going to throw something at me this weekend while he is gone. HELP!

My bad week

This morning I woke up in a foul mood. First off, I didn’t sleep well and am fighting a cold, and secondly, I’m transitioning over to PMS. God, I hate this week. I’m eating shittier,therefore feeling chubby, sleeping less, having obsessive negative thoughts, and don’t feel as strong exercising. I get so caught up in these feeling and this mood that it is hard to remember that I will feel better in about a week our so. It’s unfortunate that I’m in my “bad” half of the month as I am just starting this blog. You probably think I am negative and complain all of the time. However, durning my “good” time of the month, I’m usually pretty cheery and enjoy my life. Basically, I need to remind myself that I am in good health and am lucky to have my own two feet to stand on.

Ever since my forties, things are changing. My physiology is not what it used to be. My periods are sporadic, my sex drive is all over the place,I’m not sleeping well, my mind doesn’t feel as sharp, I’m hot all of the time, and suddenly my stomach is ultra sensitive. I used to have a stomach of steel! I believe this is all due to peri menopause. What the heck, no one told me about this pre menopause crap! Well anyway, I was recommended a very inspiring and informative book on how women athletes can move along a bit more smoothly in this stage of life.

Why exercise is so important to me:

Because I suffer from anxiety, I thrive off of fitness, especially endurance exercise. The harder and longer I push, the better I feel. I also love that endorphin rush after a long run or bike ride. I moved to the mountains for college when I was eighteen. It was the single best decision I ever made in my life. Discovering my love of playing in the mountains has saved my life in my opinion. If I had not found this outlet, I bet anything that I would be debilitated with depression and anxiety, as it runs in my family. Exercise and fresh air are my drugs of choice and I pretty much put it before anything else in my life.(selfish) Please people, if you suffer from mental illness, or not, getting outside and moving does wonders. Please read, “how exercise reduces depression, anxiety, cynicism, and anger.”

As a child, I did not have an outlet for anxiety and truly did not understand what was going on with me and why I was feeling so terrible. I can remember being in the nurses office almost every single day in 4th and 5th grade, thinking I was ill. Hello, RED FLAG. Why didn’t my parents or teachers recognize what was going on with me? Well, actually I know why. Anxiety wasn’t recognized or talked about as it is today. But I do believe my mother was aware that I had anxiety, she just didn’t know how to handle it. Luckily, as a parent I have the tools to recognize it in my kids and DO know how to handle it. For one, I believe sports/exercise are a huge help(another post on this later). Just getting kids to move and have goals will carry over into other aspects of their lives. I also want my kids to learn to be uncomfortable(although I struggle with this), as I never learned that. And all anxiety is being uncomfortable. I’m sorry, but life is unbelievably uncomfortable!

My general anxiety

Anxiety has always been a part of my life, even when I was a small child. I have many fears that I deal with on a daily basis. Yes, I will be blogging about these fears and anxieties every week as I experience some these pretty much everyday. My biggest fears are small enclosed places and sicknesses, especially vomiting, which is called Emotophobia. (this article explains it well) Yes, I have a severe fear of me puking(especially in public), or seeing someone else puke. In fact, if I hear that someone is/has been sick, I will avoid anywhere that person has been. I especially keep my kids away from public places where someone may have been contagious. I know I have no control over their school, but I do make them wash hands right when they get home, just in case… Sadly, I think I have passed on this fear to my daughter. When she has actually been sick, I am able to remain calm, but I think my extreme preventative measures have caused her some anxiety around the issue. My mother also has this phobia. She was also able to remain calm when I was sick, but I could feel her panic within. Grrrr….

And then there’s flying. About week before travel I am on edge and grouchy with the entire family. I try extra hard to keep our kids out of the public(selfish)during this time. The combination of being claustrophobic on a plane and having my kids, or myself get sick is just too overwhelming. Yes, I have some Xanax, but hate to have to use it. On top of all of this, my son has always had motion sickness(car and plane), just my luck! See? “It’s all about me, not him”, is what my husband says. Truly though, I hate when my kids suffer, but am working on it as I know it is a part of life and they need to know how to cope. Oh but I do feel their pain and would always prefer me to be sick over them.

Experiments with Open Marriage

My husband is an attractive, smart, hard-working, intelligent, proactive father, and loving husband. Him and I have a lot in common. We parent and play hard together. We put a lot of effort into our fitness and skills towards difficult mountain sports. We do the same for our kids. We share political and religious views. We both love to travel. We love good food and good conversation. Oh, and we still have very pleasurable sex. So what is the problem you ask? Good question because I don’t know either(well I think I might), but something is definitely missing. I want more. I wonder if I am just a selfish woman? A narcissist? Is this a mid-life crisis? Am I a thrill seeker? Always striving for that endorphin rush?(fyi, I’ve never done drugs) Is something wrong with me? Perhaps I have a mental illness? I do suffer from tremendous bouts of anxiety, which can then lead to depression. However, I usually bounce back fairly quickly. So what do I want??? In my mind, I am convinced I need an open marriage(selfish?). I am not looking to replace my husband, but to enjoy someone else on the side. The feeling is so overwhelming that I think about it before I go to sleep and every morning when I awake. It is both emotional and sexual. There is no one in particular whom I am dreaming about, just a ravenous, innate feeling. I believe that I was born this way. Meaning one man does not do it for me. I’ve been like this since elementary school. I’ve always had boys interested in me and loved the attention from multiple boys. When I was old enough to date in high school, I was lucky enough to have a loving long-term boyfriend, however, I’ve always had another one on the side. Two has always felt so natural to me. It is when I am most happy, sitting in between my two men. Just typing this makes my heart swell with love and contentment. I’ve never understood monogamy. When I married my husband, I thought I would change, those feelings would go away. They never did. Did I discuss this with my husband before marriage? No, not really as I thought something was wrong with me. I was ashamed and embarrassed still hoping the feelings would pass once I was married. However, they did not. Eventually, they got stronger. Especially after the birth of my second child. So it’s probably not going to be a shocker when I tell you I eventually I ended up in an affair. I know, I know, I’m a terrible person! (Later I will write a specific post about this.) My husband and I are still healing, but are over the hump. In fact, I think we are closer and more open and honest as we’ve ever been. Not that I’m promoting affairs to gain these marriage qualities, but there has been some positives. Just saying…

You’re probably thinking that I’m a handful and you’re right.(Did I mention I suffer from anxiety?)This is exactly my point. I need(well want) two men to handle both my emotional and sexual needs, as both of these needs are very strong within. I do not believe that one person can be my everything. Call me crazy, but I think it takes an entire community to satisfy every persons needs. Not that I need a village of men as I know that isn’t a reality. Oh, but wouldn’t that be nice?! So… I’m a highly sexual woman. Even as I’m well into my forties. My husband and I still enjoy our sexual life together after all these years, however, I want more, with other people. This is nothing personal against my husband. He is doing nothing wrong, and every right. But it’s still married sex (click to see a great Ted Talk by Esther Perel). The excitement is lacking for me,the desire, the butterflies, the CHASE. There is nothing more desirable for me then the chase. Now you may say that if I had another man, eventually all that would wane as well. Yes, you are right. What I THINK I want is a side man for only couple of years and then find another one? “Oh my god,” you say! “ You want a justified affair. What a selfish bitch! Use and abuse! Just get divorced you man-eater!” But you see, I love my husband very much and want to grow old with him. I just want the excitement of another man whom I will be completely honest with about my needs and situation. There has to be handful of them out there, right? A man who doesn’t have to commit for life? Who knows, maybe I won’t tire of him. Maybe he will be in my life forever on forward…. oh, but it all sounds so emotionally risky. Yes, yes, it does. But I am a risk taker. It’s all trial and error.

So onto the next part. Have I spoken to my husband about all of this craziness? Yep, that’s the conversation the affair opened up. Well, he must think you’re nuts?! Ummm, yeah, partially. But at least I can talk to him about this and that is huge. At first, he was like, no way. I’m not into an open marriage. I’m out if that’s what you want. But over the course of a few years, he has agreed to at least be open-minded to the idea. We have invested too much into building our marriage and family to walk away. We also truly still “like” each other, where I see many married friends of ours who don’t even like each other. So “liking” each other is pretty key. Now you’re probably wondering if my husband even wants another woman??? Ha! What guy doesn’t??? Well, actually, he’s content with me alone, but wouldn’t mind another woman in the bedroom. He says he definitely doesn’t want a side girlfriend, but I’m wondering how he is so sure about that when he hasn’t opened up that door? And to be honest, I don’t want his entire sexual existence to revolve around me. I like when he flirts with other women. If I saw him making out with another woman, whoa, that would really turn me on. Yeah, I like a little competition. Something to keep me on my toes. But he is a busy man, with limited time.
So why don’t we just try being swingers you ask? Hmmm… We have tried that and found that a four-way attraction is nearly impossible for us. We are both very selective, therefore making the small dating pool even smaller. Plus, I want to know someones mind as well. So am I polyamorous? I actually have no idea what I am. Will any of this actually happen? I don’t know, but I sure would like to try. My husband and I thrive off of adventure, so why not give this a go….. If it doesn’t work, oh well, we’ll have to try something else.

My Obsession with Sleep

My life revolves around sleep.(selfish). I am obsessed with getting enough sleep, so much that it carries over into my children’s life. (I’ll talk about that part in minute.) I’ve always felt that I have been hypersensitive to lack of sleep and have become a terrible sleeper since my children were born and even more so as I age. And for me, that means less than eight hours. If I do not get that much sleep I have an extremely hard time pushing through my day. And since daily exercise is crucial for me because of my anxiety (see post under anxiety and exercise), I worry about not sleeping even more so. Whereas if my husband lacks sleep, he is absolutely fine. So unfair! Therefore, I have to follow a rigid before bedtime sleep routine. Such as dim lighting in my house, no computer or phone at least an hour before bed. If my dinners are rich or fatty, I’m screwed. Definitely no alcohol. Sometimes I feel this has been my curse because I am not able to enjoy any type of evening socialization. Not that I never socialize in the evenings, but it’s rare and I wish I could more often. If I do go out in the evenings, I pretty much just resign to the fact that I’m going to have a shitty night and won’t plan on anything big the next day. My poor husband is afraid to even roll over in bed because he does not want to wake me. Yeah, if I’m woken, it’s all over for me. If he for some reason is having a restless night, he’ll go to the couch so I can rest, sacrificing his own sleep for mine(selfish). I must have about 10 different natural sleep aids(post coming soon on this), along with prescription sleeping pills and anti anxiety. I rarely use those prescriptions, but knowing that I have them makes me feel better.

Oh and then there are my kids… ever since they were born, I religiously followed a book, “Healthy Sleep Habits, Healthy Child”and it worked so well that I am convinced that my kids were and still are great students and athletes because they are well rested. No joke, my 11-year-old daughter goes to bed at 7:45, and my 13-year-old son goes at 8:00. They don’t even question bedtime because they know it’s always been this way and I will never budge. I rarely let them have sleep overs because of my anxiety about their ability to participate in mentally and physically demanding sports and school. My husband believes I carry this to the extreme because their bedtime schedule rule our evenings. They miss out on some fun stuff, even on vacations(selfish). I believe their sleep is more important than evening activities because I am worried about them getting sick or being grouchy as I do not want to deal with that(selfish). Their sleep is also a safety net for me as I have an extreme fear of sickness(see posts under anxiety). So yeah, I’m kind of nut case when it comes to our family sleep schedule.I guess you call me the sleep nazi.