My husband is an attractive, smart, hard-working, intelligent, proactive father, and loving husband. Him and I have a lot in common. We parent and play hard together. We put a lot of effort into our fitness and skills towards difficult mountain sports. We do the same for our kids. We share political and religious views. We both love to travel. We love good food and good conversation. Oh, and we still have very pleasurable sex. So what is the problem you ask? Good question because I don’t know either(well I think I might), but something is definitely missing. I want more. I wonder if I am just a selfish woman? A narcissist? Is this a mid-life crisis? Am I a thrill seeker? Always striving for that endorphin rush?(fyi, I’ve never done drugs) Is something wrong with me? Perhaps I have a mental illness? I do suffer from tremendous bouts of anxiety, which can then lead to depression. However, I usually bounce back fairly quickly. So what do I want??? In my mind, I am convinced I need an open marriage(selfish?). I am not looking to replace my husband, but to enjoy someone else on the side. The feeling is so overwhelming that I think about it before I go to sleep and every morning when I awake. It is both emotional and sexual. There is no one in particular whom I am dreaming about, just a ravenous, innate feeling. I believe that I was born this way. Meaning one man does not do it for me. I’ve been like this since elementary school. I’ve always had boys interested in me and loved the attention from multiple boys. When I was old enough to date in high school, I was lucky enough to have a loving long-term boyfriend, however, I’ve always had another one on the side. Two has always felt so natural to me. It is when I am most happy, sitting in between my two men. Just typing this makes my heart swell with love and contentment. I’ve never understood monogamy. When I married my husband, I thought I would change, those feelings would go away. They never did. Did I discuss this with my husband before marriage? No, not really as I thought something was wrong with me. I was ashamed and embarrassed still hoping the feelings would pass once I was married. However, they did not. Eventually, they got stronger. Especially after the birth of my second child. So it’s probably not going to be a shocker when I tell you I eventually I ended up in an affair. I know, I know, I’m a terrible person! (Later I will write a specific post about this.) My husband and I are still healing, but are over the hump. In fact, I think we are closer and more open and honest as we’ve ever been. Not that I’m promoting affairs to gain these marriage qualities, but there has been some positives. Just saying…
You’re probably thinking that I’m a handful and you’re right.(Did I mention I suffer from anxiety?)This is exactly my point. I need(well want) two men to handle both my emotional and sexual needs, as both of these needs are very strong within. I do not believe that one person can be my everything. Call me crazy, but I think it takes an entire community to satisfy every persons needs. Not that I need a village of men as I know that isn’t a reality. Oh, but wouldn’t that be nice?! So… I’m a highly sexual woman. Even as I’m well into my forties. My husband and I still enjoy our sexual life together after all these years, however, I want more, with other people. This is nothing personal against my husband. He is doing nothing wrong, and every right. But it’s still married sex (click to see a great Ted Talk by Esther Perel). The excitement is lacking for me,the desire, the butterflies, the CHASE. There is nothing more desirable for me then the chase. Now you may say that if I had another man, eventually all that would wane as well. Yes, you are right. What I THINK I want is a side man for only couple of years and then find another one? “Oh my god,” you say! “ You want a justified affair. What a selfish bitch! Use and abuse! Just get divorced you man-eater!” But you see, I love my husband very much and want to grow old with him. I just want the excitement of another man whom I will be completely honest with about my needs and situation. There has to be handful of them out there, right? A man who doesn’t have to commit for life? Who knows, maybe I won’t tire of him. Maybe he will be in my life forever on forward…. oh, but it all sounds so emotionally risky. Yes, yes, it does. But I am a risk taker. It’s all trial and error.
So onto the next part. Have I spoken to my husband about all of this craziness? Yep, that’s the conversation the affair opened up. Well, he must think you’re nuts?! Ummm, yeah, partially. But at least I can talk to him about this and that is huge. At first, he was like, no way. I’m not into an open marriage. I’m out if that’s what you want. But over the course of a few years, he has agreed to at least be open-minded to the idea. We have invested too much into building our marriage and family to walk away. We also truly still “like” each other, where I see many married friends of ours who don’t even like each other. So “liking” each other is pretty key. Now you’re probably wondering if my husband even wants another woman??? Ha! What guy doesn’t??? Well, actually, he’s content with me alone, but wouldn’t mind another woman in the bedroom. He says he definitely doesn’t want a side girlfriend, but I’m wondering how he is so sure about that when he hasn’t opened up that door? And to be honest, I don’t want his entire sexual existence to revolve around me. I like when he flirts with other women. If I saw him making out with another woman, whoa, that would really turn me on. Yeah, I like a little competition. Something to keep me on my toes. But he is a busy man, with limited time.
So why don’t we just try being swingers you ask? Hmmm… We have tried that and found that a four-way attraction is nearly impossible for us. We are both very selective, therefore making the small dating pool even smaller. Plus, I want to know someones mind as well. So am I polyamorous? I actually have no idea what I am. Will any of this actually happen? I don’t know, but I sure would like to try. My husband and I thrive off of adventure, so why not give this a go….. If it doesn’t work, oh well, we’ll have to try something else.